Arby's Popcorn Chicken Shaker

Completely unsatisfied with my last experience, I pursued another form of Food Served Under a Plastic Dome at a nearby Arby's.

Now there's no point even writing here about Arby's legendary Roast Beast. Called such because everyone and their mother knows you can't call what's in Arby's sandwiches "beef." Last I checked, there's no way you can pull reams and reams of flat, paper-thin, greenish meat off of a cow and lay it in folds upon a sandwich. 

I think Arby's knows full well that their meat is disgusting. Hence why they offer an alternative range of sandwiches and items that they call their "Chicken Naturals."  The latest addition to this family of supposedly natural food is the Popcorn Chicken Shaker.  Let's look at these "natural" ingredients, shall we?

Seasoned with salt, hydrolyzed corn and soy proteins, flavor, contains less than 2% (autolyzed yeast extract, disodium guanylate, disodium inosinate, enzyme modified egg yolk, thiamine hydrochloride)Battered with: Water, wheat flour, salt, yeast extract, leavening (sodium bicarbonate, sodium aluminum sulfate), disodium inosinate and disodium guanylate, dextrose, yellow corn flour, extractives of paprika and turmeric. Breaded with: bleached wheat flour, salt, spice, disodium inosinate and disodium guanylate, yellow corn flour, extractives of paprika and turmeric. Pre-dusted with wheat flour, salt, yeast extract, garlic powder, spice, onion powder. Breading set in non-hydrogenated vegetable oil.

Mmmm... A relatively lightweight 584 calories of mildly unpronounceable goodness!  Of course, this doesn't cover the packet of "Buffalo" sauce - whose ingredients are undisclosed - but it only adds 1g of fat. To the 27 motherfrikkin' grams already there.

So here we've got a compact fat bomb that, quite frankly, isn't enough to fill you up. You're gonna have to accessorize with some curly fries, maybe some potato wedges... The bottom line is, if you eat like this regularly you'll be dead (or more accurately, seeking treatment for your Type-II diabetes) by the end of the month.

But... but... BUT!  Before you can eat your 280g dosage of bad health in a cup, you have to pour the sauce in, and then SHAKE IT! That's right - you get to evenly distribute the sauce all over the little fried nuggets of chicken yourself. Not only does this ensure that you're not eating soggy Buffalo-style chunks of chicken, but that you are... BURNING CALORIES!

Granted, you'd have to grab the cup with your fist and shake it vigorously up and down for at least fifteen minutes to an hour to get any sort of results, but that's not a concept I'm unfamiliar with.

The end result of all this grabbing-hold-of-the-chicken and shaking it? 

A surprisingly delicious, salty, tangy, crispy, moist, enjoyable meal on the go.

That's right, folks. I like the Popcorn Chicken Shaker. I like how it tastes. I like how it's interactive. (Remember that buzzword from 1996?) I like how its preparation staves off my impending death, if only for a few days at a time.

This dish, my friends, could be the savior of the fast food industry. If every greasy joint out there forced you to exercise in order to prepare your meal, you might just hear about how the Drive-Thru is the new health craze sweeping the nation.

Then again, that's probably all the disodium guanylate and sodium aluminum sulfate talking.